The Perfect Plastic People Parade

THE RISE OF THE HUMAN BARBIE?

As advances in cosmic surgery take women ever closer to the aesthetic appeal of an inflatable sex doll, the idea is beginning to take shape that perfection may not be quite as desirable as the word implies. For one thing the standards for perfection are forever shifting and next to impossible to predict, trout lips may well be all the rage today, but tomorrow’s tastes might demand something a tad less overt, butt implants may have to be reversed as the trend moves from padded derriere towards butt-less chic, breasts will have to be raised, lowered, augmented, or deflated, according to the whims of public convention. 

The perfect woman will not be born; she will be made perfect by science. She will be a unique bio/silicon hybrid with all the imperfections of the flesh surgically removed, a new Eve for the digital age, slick, superficially flawless, with sex appeal in synthetic spades. But by becoming dependent on a mass mediated idea of beauty, we run the risk of losing our own organic sense of femininity, we stunt our emotional growth, both as women and human beings, with the result that the parts will be judged without reference to the whole, we will be female by committee, beautiful by decree, no spontaneous expression of womanhood will be tolerated unless its first been lab tested on animals and then run by special focus groups in the Mid-West. 

It’s hard to imagine that certain parts of our bodies will not decompose, that our accessories may well achieve the kind of immortality the rest of our bodies can only dream of, lying in the dust of our remains, alongside pacemakers, prosthetics, and metal nipple rings, will be giant silicon-filled bags resembling alien tumors, and perhaps tomorrow’s grave robbers will start a thriving industry recycling these parts and selling them back to the general populace. Second hand beauty will still be beauty, the same way knock-off fashion can still be considered fashion. 

But be warned, plastic women are an evolutionary dead end; they will not pass on their perfect good looks to the next generation, although they may pass on their surgeon’s phone number, but what is absolutely guaranteed is that daughters will inherit their mother’s acute lack of confidence in the hand nature has dealt them, and all to the advantage of the cosmetic’s industry which, lets face it, has never been slow to capitalize on female insecurities.  

The perfect woman will not be cheap and what you see will have to be maintained and upgraded. The following is a taste of costs to come.

  • Procedure                                                                Cost*
  • Breast Augmentation Silicone/Saline                  $4,500
  • Breast Lift with Augmentation                             $7,500 – $8,500
  • Breast Lift                                                              $6,500 – $8,500
  • Breast Reduction & Lift                                        $8,500 – $10,500
  • Blepharoplasty (with fat grafting)                       $2,500 – $6,000
  • Facelift                                                                   $10,000 – $14,000
  • Rhinoplasty                                                           $5,000 – $7,500
  • Brow Lift                                                                 $1,500 – $3,000
  • PAL (power assisted liposuction)                        $2,500 – $7,500
  • Abdominoplasty                                                     $6,500 – $10,500
  • Brachioplasty                                                         $4,000 – $6,000
  • Implants Silicone                                                    $1,600
  • Implants Saline                                                       $800
  • Anesthesia
    (depending on length of surgery) 1-5 hours       $500 – $2,200

*Costs do not include VAT.

Beauty is becoming a high-stakes, winner-takes-all business, but what is it leaving us with, a generation of unhappy women with high maintenance costs and no way to separate their own needs from the needs of the industry?

Does anyone realize that the Mona Lisa, once the perfect ideal of feminine beauty (and all natural might I add), wouldn’t even get a modelling contract in this day and age, we’re moving away from all things natural, we’re heading into a world where the future of women is no longer assured, where beauty is in the eye of the machine, and everything else is second best.

Cripes, it almost makes me want to cancel my four o’clock facial.

JUDITH CHAMBERS   

FASCISTS WEAR PRADA: THE NIGHT OF THE FASHION DEAD

FASCISTS WEAR PRADA: THE NIGHT OF THE FASHION DEAD

The other night I attended this fashion show in New York at the behest of a famous critic who assured me the show was the seminal event of the season. Now, you know me, darlings,  I just have to attend the “seminal” of everything, I’d turn up for a Chihuahua’s tea party if I thought it was in any way seminal.  I’m slightly snobbish that way.

I attended the event and was duly positioned along the catwalk, my friend, the critic, seated beside me with his notepad and pen in hand, and shortly thereafter the show began with all the pomp and pageantry you would expect from such things, the models appearing one after the other, sashaying up the walk, twirling, swirling, before sashaying back again to the sound of effete applause.

About three models in a gorgeous brunette made her appearance dressed in something pink and rather ghastly; she sashayed, twirled, swirled, and was walking back up the catwalk again when my friend leaned across to me and whispered something in my ear that put a completely different spin on the evening’s event.

‘Oh, dear,’ he snickered, ‘she’s a bit roomy in the hips.’

I frowned and stared up at the girl in question, a beautiful, willowy creature who looked a tad healthier than her colleagues to be sure, but could in no way be referred to as “roomy in the hips”, indeed the poor girl would have been considered positively malnourished in any environment but this one.

Is this fashion or a woman slowly starving to death?

Is this fashion or a woman slowly starving to death?

Now, my friend, the critic, is gay, and normally he’s a divine chap, intelligent, outspoken, with a great sense of humor, but there’s one subject that quickly turns him into something of a religious fundamentalist: women’s bodies.

Why this particular subject bothers him so much probably has more to do with his chosen profession than any particular ideology on his part, he views a woman’s body as purely functional, like a mannequin; something to hang clothes on and position in the right light to create the required effect. When he referred to the model in question as “roomy in the hips” I’ve no doubt he meant it in the same way an engineer might consider a vehicle a little heavy in the rear.

But a woman is not a vehicle, she can’t just be redesigned to suit the aesthetics of the day, there’s only a certain level of “heroin chic” the female body can endure before vital organs start shutting down. I mean that’s just a matter of biology.

Any-hoo, back to the fashion show.

Now, after my friend had made his rather cavalier remark I started studying the models more closely, and what began as an evening of light entertainment quickly dissolved into something far more sinister. The women I saw up on the catwalk were angular, and bony, with shrunken breasts, and muscles withered to the point of atrophy. I saw ribs visibly sprouting from knobbly spines like the limbs of that face-hugger creature in the Alien franchise, with shoulders consisting of nothing more than protruding bones shrink-wrapped in a tissue-thin layer of flesh.

I’d seen these people before, in images of holocaust victims staring through chain link fences, I almost expected to see a sign over the catwalk reading “Arbeit macht frei” Work makes (you) Free, the slogan suspended above the entrance to a number of concentration camps during the second world war, or perhaps the modern variation would read “Mode macht frei” Fashion makes (you) free.

The point I’m making is this. These women looked like victims, and this entire event was beginning to resemble a crime scene, and sure, in my friend’s mind some model’s imaginary hips needed trimming down, but in my mind these poor girls required immediate medical intervention, high profile arrests needed to be made, the fashion world’s equivalent of the Nuremberg Trials needed to be convened….

…But then again, I do so love my fashion which kind of makes me an accessory after the event (no pun intended), and besides, who on earth is going to stand in judgement if everyone is in on the game?

Now I’m off to buy that Christian Dior skirt I’ve been positively aching for; anyone joining me?

 

Judith Chambers

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